The Happyish Homestead

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Don't Even Bother

On occasion Bryce has had to leave town for business reasons leaving me home alone with the girls. And I get nervous. I play through any possible, frightening, Law & Order: SVU situation imaginable.

Then I try to talk myself out of the absurdity.

Here's what would probably happen if someone did try to break into our house:

As they're scouting out the perimeter of the house, they would probably step on snake segments.

If they tried to scale the fence, it would fall over.

When they tried to reach the top windows, they would fall through the aged, corrugated plastic that is our deck roof.

If by chance they did make it into the house, they would step on goldfish crackers sitting on the floor that had been overlooked for who knows how long waking the entire house.

If that didn't happen and they went into the girls' room they would leave Adeline because her bed would be wet.

If they snatched Elizabeth, they would bring her back because she would demand that they sing her 'the bedtime' song and they would inevitably do it incorrectly. If that didn't happen, she would then commence to ask a million questions and they would be exhausted and wonder when nap time was. But she doesn't take a nap. She would wear them down and they would be praying for forgiveness.

They wouldn't even bother with Meg, she no longer takes a pacifier.

If they happened to be looking for anything of value, they would quickly realize that everything in our home is a hand-me-down, picked up from another person's trash, found at a garage sale/estate sale, given to us for free, is hand made, or been destroyed by three young children.

To all of the creeps, weirdos, illiterates, and hardened criminals: don't even bother.



  1. Too funny! Sounds exactly like something I said when my boys were little. My oldest would have talked them to death or at least made their ears bleed and my youngest would have had them running in fear for their lives. And again ditto on the items of value, especially the part about being destroyed by young children but in my case two, not three! I used to call my boys My Two Boys Wrecking Crew!

    ~ Tracy

  2. I used to be a basket case when my husband was out of town, now, I'm just thrilled that I get the remote to myself and don't have to watch ESPN for a couple of days.

  3. At least you get a break when you come to my house. oh wait, there is 5 kids worth of danger and mess. And a new carpet with gum in it.

  4. I always say that they'd have NO IDEA how much the many boxes of cardboard, dice and cards in our basement are worth, or we'd have people breaking in right and left :)

  5. Obviously there is a reason for all of this madness. It prevents social deviants from wanting to take advantage of us. I'm glad to hear that I am not the only one in the world who has paranoiac fear of intruders... well not too glad.

  6. hmmmm, interesting scenario...what if it's a cat that tries to break in? :) I've heard they are very stealthy and freakishly smart.

  7. Singst--to sing, for example, I singst in the morning and in the afternoon. :)


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